• Lesli Crow

Bumble of Tinder Fishes

Can I get a raise of hands from those that have tried online dating? Let's not be shy. I'm sure a lot of y'all are sitting behind your computer screens or phones ashamed to admit it but my blog is a judge free zone.

Kind of.

I too have done the online dating thing. Ain't no shame in my game.

I've talked before in a previous blog about how I'm currently enjoying being single. This still rings true. However, one thing I didn't touch on in that blog was how I've swam around in the sea of online dating. The old saying "There's plenty of fish in the sea" has got to be one of the dumbest sayings I've ever heard.

While yes, there are plenty of fish in this sea, what they fail to mention are the miles and miles of seaweed, clownfish, and ocean rubbish strewn about that you must go through to find the good fish. The clean fish. The fish you want to take home to your parents.

Have you ever wondered how much thought goes into creating a profile on an online dating site? According to some profiles I've come across, not much thought at all.

It's hard to find somebody that you think you might have anything in common with just by reading a small four-line paragraph. Unless you're a Trump supporting, taco eating, traveling gym rat... you'll have no luck. Real talk.

Advice to men reading this - Please please please post at least ONE or even two pictures of just you. If I have to try and figure out who you are in a picture of you, your brother, his friend, your third cousin, your cousin's baby daddy, and a much younger (and hotter) brother... I will most definitely swipe left.

I have to give props to the men who are upfront with their political views and full time hobbies because it helps filter out those clownfish I mentioned a few paragraphs up. I don't support Trump, I love tacos, I don't travel once a month and I'm sure as hell not a gym rat. So, thank you.

Let's jump to the part where you've found a profile of a guy who's extremely attractive. Or even somewhat attractive. Somebody that you'd like to swipe right on and spark some sort of conversation.

He's got pictures of him busting it out in the gym, eating tacos, an adorable selfie of him holding a poodle, and of course the classic - the shot of him and what you're hoping is his sister but automatically assuming is some trashy ex-girlfriend.

How do you even begin a conversation? Will a simple "Hi" work? Do you send him a compliment about how cute his dog is but also throw shade and tell him you love the thigh high boots and mini skirt combo his "sister" is wearing in that picture?

I've learned that in some instances a simple "hi" and cute emoji will most certainly work. Guys get tired of doing all the work so even just something as simple as that will give them the green light. But then there's those that see a yellow light instead of that green one.

Now that you've sent your quick "Hi" it's time to wait for what you're hoping is a clever response on his part. I mean, since you at least got the party started the least he could do is show up with a fly outfit and a nice bottle of liquor.

Well, he doesn't. He writes back and says, "hey u" and doesn't even use an emoji. He goes old school flip phone on you and hits you with a small cluster of characters...

;) <----- What in tarnation is that?!

That will obviously not work for you so time to unmatch and keep it moving. See how quickly I did that? It's hard to filter through who you think might see a green or a yellow light when you send the first message.

Trying the online dating thing has made me realize that I don't know how to date somebody. With online dating you're trying to make sure you're not dealing with catfish at the end of your line.

So, what happens when you do match with somebody that is worthy enough of your unseen selfies and a real-life encounter?

Well, I have yet to fully figure out what happens next. From my own personal experience, it's a lot of snapchatting, 'good morning beautiful' texts, and very little in real life interaction.

PSA: If you do not intend on seeing how amazing I am outside of a filter, text or snapchat...DO NOT, and I repeat - DO NOT swipe right.

I'm not getting any younger y'all. I'll be thirty-one this month and even though I'm not fully sold on sharing my bed and/or tacos with somebody, I still would like to know it's possible.

So, in conclusion, I would date me. I'm a hoot and a half.