• Lesli Crow

If This Letter Finds You


"It is lonely here and I miss your light." - Ranata Suzuki

Nana, 2/3/2018


I know loss is part of life and it is not our right to question why we lose those we share life with. It has been seven years to the day since you left and not a day, an hour, a minute, or a second goes by that I don't think about you in some way.


I smell you in my sleep, I hear your laugh when I have my morning cup of coffee, and I feel your presence on some of my darkest days. I have so many regrets about the conversations we didn't get to have before you left. The more time goes on I worry my memories will fade and that I'll be left with a void and the forever ache of you not in our lives.


Trae will be fourteen this year and Zo is getting ready to turn nine in seventeen days. I still don't know how I'm a mom to these two stunning beings. They are smart, funny, and two of the most well-mannered boys.


I'm doing my best to make sure they know to be kind to others, put down the toilet seat, and to always remember I'm their biggest fan. They both LOVE mashed potatoes and Trae constantly reminds me that I don't make them like you do and probably never will.


You now have another great grandson to add to the bunch. Zayne Austin was born on June 26th, 2017 and he is Joshua made over. Except he doesn't like peas but we're working on that. Joshua is an amazing dad and I am so proud of the young man he has become.


Him and Ashley got married on March 26th, 2017 in Colorado. Their wedding was simple and beautiful. Papa always told us stories about his truck driving days in Colorado but I promise he didn't do it justice.


I know you probably worry about Mom a lot. She's doing better. The past seven years haven't been easy for her. Her depression, drug usage, and the loss of you has taken its toll but I'm happy to say she's sober and finally happy.


I talk to her just about every day and have tried to make it to Lufkin to see her every few months. I took her to see Aunt Nedell a couple months ago. She still reminds me so much of you. We all had a great visit and I'm planning on taking mom back down there in the Spring.


Lastly - Me.


I expected these last seven years to get easier but they haven't. I see you often when I sleep. In these dreams I've hugged you, laughed with you, and cried as you've had to fade away. I'm at peace with you again for a brief moment - until it's time to wake up.


I wish you were here to go to the boys' football games, try my cooking (I actually CAN cook), enjoy a cup of coffee with me - and watch as I go through life. I haven't erased your number from my phone and pictures of you fill my home.


I know where you are is much better than this hell on earth. Your garden is now golden, rose bushes are endless, and the people you get to enjoy your days with are a constant reminder of how divine Heaven is.


If this letter finds you - I hope you know, you are loved. You are missed dearly. I ache for you here and until the day comes that we meet again - I'll see you in my dreams.


I love you always.

Lesli Ann

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