Lost and Found
This is the LAST week in my twenties. I'm headed into thirty SINGLE AF.
(AF = "As fuck" for those of you who aren't up to speed with abbrevs)
Now here's where I'll admit that for a while (except for when I'm PMS'ing) I loathed the thought of being 30 and single. Starting a new decade without a man by my side would gnaw at me like a little a dog with a bone.
But now... not as much. I may not have a man to do life with but what I do have are amazing friends & family and even more so amazing kids by my side.
I've been married once, divorced, single, in relationships... had one night stands, cheated, been cheated on... and I think none of that can compare to the feeling I have knowing that I am completely dependent on myself to make me happy day in and day out.
This year alone on social media has been post after post of engagements and baby announcements. While I'm just sitting here excited to announce that I bought a new $40 tempurpedic pillow.
And while part of me may be low key salty about that, I've started sleeping better knowing SOME day... maybe not anytime soon... but SOMEday I will have my person to do life with.
In 2016 I dated a guy who I was blindly in love with (I've mentioned him before). That roller coaster I got on fucked up my head for quite some time.
Btw - This part of the blog isn't to bash him - even though him and I didn't work out and our relationship was pretty toxic, I can say I still appreciate the man he is and the things he taught me during that time.
Around the same time that rollercoaster was coming to a stop I got some advice from a family friend regarding relationships and finding myself.
She had basically told me that I needed the time and space to myself to find who I was and what I wanted out of life. I've questioned her advice for a while but she was 100% right.
How could any man truly love me to my core if I didn't love myself first? I've needed to learn that sex, affection, and broken promises wouldn't fulfill me. It was only a temporary fix on this fractured heart of mine.
I've started trying to focus more on blogging (new found skill - obvi), being the best mother to my boys, a better daughter & sister, and a more reliable friend to my small circle of friends. The requests I get for dates or even late night hook ups are things that I just currently do not want to spend my energy on.
The fact that I can realize this NOW is such a huge step for me. I mean...even recently I just didn't even care to look at proposal videos or family portraits with newborns. I swore I was gonna die an old hag in a nursing home with 7 cats and endless coffee mugs. True shit. P.S. I hate cats.
I guess we all have to go through the heart breaks and the busted up roller coaster rides at some point. It teaches us to save our heart and soul and everything in between for somebody who truly deserves it.
I can promise you this though.... the next man who comes along trying to steal my heart better come with an ice pick and wire cutters to get to it. Emotionally and mentally I'm trying my best to be stronger and I can't let just anybody come in and think they have a seat at my table.
I know I'll still have moments where I'll crave a warm body next to me or just want somebody to play with my hair and tell me I'm pretty. I won't lie and sit here and say that I won't have moments of weakness.
Our hearts and minds are only built to withstand so much. Right now mine are in recovery. I've done my fair share of damage not just to myself but men I've encountered. I'm determined to take the time to heal my wounds. Time heals all right?
I'll find my lobster some day and we'll walk around this tank of life holding claws. But until then... I'm just enjoying the waves and floatin' along just fine.